*어디남자(여자)가걔하나뿐이니?널린게남자(여자)야!
애인과사이가나빠져고민하거나실연을당한사람에게주변사람들이흔히건네는말.’바다는넓고,물고기는많다’는식의조언이다.그러나,과연그럴까?
기르던금붕어가죽었을때,부모님은"한마리더사줄게"라는말로아이를위로하곤한다.하지만,새로사온금붕어가절대그전에애착을갖고기르던것을똑같이대신할수는없다는사실은아이들도잘안다.하물며연인관계라면말해무엇하겠는가.
정말사랑하는사람이라면,무슨수를써서라도되찾는것이맞다.괜히"네가어디가어때서그런애하나에게매달리니"란말에자존심을세울필요가없다.
‘바다는넓고,물고기는많다’는말은물론진실이다.그러나,문제는물고기가’많다’는사실이곧내가원하는물고기를’잡을수있다’는것을의미하지는않는다는것.
*시간이지나가도록가만히기다려라,세월이약이야.
팔이나다리가부러져몹시아픈데,의사로부터"집에가서가만히누워시간이가길기다리는수밖에없다"는처방을받는다면기분이어떨까?
실연의상처로괴로워하는이에게"시간이흐르도록가만히놔두라"는조언처럼답답한얘기도없다.당장팔다리가쑤시는사람에게는수술이필요하지,안정이필요한게아니다.
오히려이럴때는움직이고,발산하고,소리를지르는적극적인방법이효과가있다.배낭을메고낯선곳으로여행을가거나,옛애인에게따지고싶은것은마음껏따지거나,상담가의도움을받는것등을추천한다.
명심하라.몸이가만히있는다고해서,상처와아픔역시조용히사라지는것은아니다.
*연애에서받은상처는연애로치유해야지.내일당장소개팅할래?
연인과헤어진지얼마되지않은상태에서소개팅에나갔을때,상대방에게집중할수있는사람은그다지많지않다.아직머리속에는그사람과주고받은말들과상처,후회가떠다니는상태.이런상황에서다른사람을만나봐야무슨도움이될까.
무엇보다,관계가깨어진이유를제대로알지못한다면,다음연인과도똑같은실수를되풀이할가능성이높다.어떤점이문제였고,어디서부터잘못됐는지,내가연인에게어떤상처를주었는지아는것은앞으로의건강한관계를위해필수적이다.
무턱대고등을떠밀려원치않는만남에나가기보다는,스스로준비가되었다고느껴질때까지싱글상태를유지하는편이현명하다.
*서로사랑하면당연히결혼해야지-감정지상주의.
물론,결혼에있어서서로를사랑한다는것이상의이유는없을것이다.그러나,과연’사랑’만으로충분할까?
드라마에서어머니가철없는딸에게자주던지는대사가있다."사랑만먹고살수있을줄아니?"결혼은연애와다르다.연애는달콤하고로맨틱한꿈이지만,결혼은팍팍하고건조한현실이다.
서로사랑한다는것은성공적인결혼생활을위한충분조건이긴하지만,결코필요충분조건은될수없다.결혼은’가족의탄생’이지,’연애의완성’이아니다.
Badadvice
Whilewe’reallstillclingingtoourresolvetoliveabetterlifein2008,I’dliketotakethisopportunitytothrowalittlewrenchinyouradmirableimprovementplans.Livingbetterisoftenbasedonclichédadviceandpersonally,Ithinkit’stimetoputastoptoit,becausefrankly,there’ssomeadvice,especiallywhenitcomestorelationships,thatneedstobetakenwithagrain,heck,makethatawholeblock,ofsalt.Suchas:
ThereareplentymorefishintheseaRememberwhenyourpetgoldfishdiedandyourparentspromisedtobuyyouanotheronejustthesame?GoldieIIwasn’tthesame,washe?Likegoldfish,whenarelationshipgoesbellyup,youcan’tjustgooutandbuyanewone.Andwhiletheremaybeplentyoffishinthesea,catchingoneisn’talwayseasy.Whichdoesn’tmeanyoushouldstopcastingyournet.Butknowthatwhilethereareplentyoffish,you’llprobablywanttothrowmostofthembackbeforeyoufindoneworthkeeping.
TimehealsabrokenheartYouprobablywouldn’tbetoohappyifyoushowedupinyourdoctor’sofficewithabustedlegorabraintumourandshetoldyoutogohomeandsimplywaitforittoheal.Sometimesyouneedtodoalittleopen-heartsurgery.Takeatrip,getsometherapy,throwdartsatapictureofyourex-whateverittakestostitchupthewoundbeforeyoucanlettimedoitsstuff.
JustmoveonRelationshipsaren’tlikethebaconbitssectionofthesaladbar.Youdon’tjustmoveon.It’saprocess.Thatdoesn’tmeanyousitandstewinyourapartmentlisteningtohurtin’music(atleastnotfortoolong).Butinsteadofsimplybuckingupandmovingontothenextwarmbodysoyoucanmakeallthesamemistakesalloveragain,usethistimetomournandproperlysaygoodbyetothatcrappyrelationship.Reflectuponwhatyoudoanddon’twanttodonexttime.Thatwayyouminimizedraggingallthatdisappointment,angerandresentment(because,ofcourse,therelationshipdeathwashisfault,right?)intoyournextrelationship.
LoveconquersallYeah,andI’vefiguredoutawaytoloseweightbyeatingonlychocolate!Iknowthatitisextremelyromanticandlifeaffirmingtothinkthatyourlovealonewillgetyouthroughanything.Butwhenit’s4a.m.,thekid’scrying,youhaven’tsleptinthreedays,thehouseisamess,andyourannoying,unemployedbrother-in-lawismooching-Imean,livingwithyoutemporarily,lovemayfeelalittleoverwhelmedbythetaskofconqueringall.Iknowthat"communicationconquersall"isn’tquiteasromanticsounding,butit’sagoodplacetostart.Combinecommunicationwithregulartolerance,kindness,understandingandsomegoodold-fashionedgrinning-and-bearing-it,andyouatleaststandachanceatputtingadentin(ifnotcompletelyconquering)mostofwhatcomesatyou.
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