*
런던의한남자고등학교에서,학생들은이렇게질문받는다.
"Wouldyoucaretogiveusthebenefitofyourthoughts?당신의의견,그思考의利点을들려주시겠습니까?"
"Wouldyoucaretogiveusanexample?"….
교단에서는교사는,
즉각으로’인류현인들의답’을,혹은젊은학생들보다앞서살며’자신이얻은답’을제시,암기시키기이전에
이제겨우10여년삶을살아왔을뿐인청소년들에게
그들나름대로의답을’building-논리적으로구성하여세우는’시간을갖게한다.
–당연히,사고의기반이빈약하니,학생들이드러내는사고는’어설픈것’들임을잘알면서도…
허나,이렇게’스스로<생각하는힘>’을키움으로써
그누구도피할수없는’나이를먹는일’마저도,’의미있는일,가치있는것’으로있게되는것.
유년기의한아이가,청년-장년-노년을거치며,비로소,조금씩더큰’성숙’,더큰’사고’를갖기위해,이힘은필수이다.
*
그럼에도,–적지않은청소년들이그러하듯–,소설의주인공Anthony에게도
이런질문들은결코반가운것은아니었다.-이런소년들에게,교단의’기성(旣成)의격려’는넌더리…
그래서,그와친구들은,시계의숫자판을손목안쪽으로차는똑같은행동을함께하며,
–‘시간’은모름지기’개인의것’,’비밀스러운것’이라고반항하며–,동류로뭉친다…
다만,그에반해,
‘키가커가듯’,’앎이늘어,세상의윤곽이조금씩더명확히보여지는것’의기쁨을아는소년들도존재한다.
교단의질문에대해,기꺼이성실하고끈기있게(assiduously)준비하여답하는,
그래서교원들로부터일목되고평가받는진지한학생들.
-소설속에서는,새로이전입해온학생,Adrian이그모습을보인다.
Wewereessentiallytakingthepiss,exceptwhenwewereserious.
Hewasessentiallyserious,exceptwhenhewastakingthepiss.
한단높게선자리에서,자신들을시험하듯던져지는질문들에,
주저함없이당당히의견을말하고,그로하여,때로는교사들마저도당혹시키곤하는Adrian은
동년배들의동경의대상이다.
Wewantedhisattention,hisapproval.
그리고,고등학교를졸업하고,각기대학생이되어서떨어져지내게된후에도,Adrian의존재감은변하지않았다.
주인공은,맘에드는여자친구와사귀게되었을때,그녀를Adrian에게소개한다.
-‘Adrian의주목과승인’을받고싶었다.
*
자신이대학생이었던1960년대,
<당시,이성(異性)에게청하는’GoingOut’이라는말은현대적의미와달랐다>고기억하는주인공은,
40여년이지나,21세기의오늘날,한친구의딸로부터,공개적으로5,6인의여자친구와사귀며,외출을청할때는당연히잠자리도함께함을감추지않는남자친구때문에받는고민을듣는다.다만,이젊은딸의한탄이,<그남자친구가그토록많은여자친구를갖고있다는사실보다도,그가다른여자친구보다자신에게’GoingOut’를청하지않았다는점에있음>을알게되었을때,그는머리를흔든다.-<‘동시에’수명의이성친구라니…>,라며.
그러나,과거를되돌아보면,자신역시,–물론’동시는’아니었지만…,아니,때때로는조금은겹치기도하며…–,
만나알고지내던여학생들과,그리어렵지않게,’관계를맺었었고헤어졌던’자신의청춘이떠올랐다.
단,청춘에도예외는있어,
몇해를넘기며사귀면서도,결코자신에게몸을허락하지않았던Veronica라는여자친구에의기억으로연결된다.
-‘Prudery숙녀의고상함’을고집하던그녀는,
역사전공의자신의책장보다도’더잘선정된책들(therightbookstoown)’이꽂힌책장을가지고있었고,
대화를나눌때면,때때로,같은나이였음에도’5살은더연상인듯한느낌’을갖게도했었던친구였었다…
그러던어느날,그녀의집에초대되어그녀의가족과만나고,
그곳에서,평소보다조금은더짙은그녀의입맞춤을받을수있었던그…
그후에도,여전히함께그들식의’GoingOut’가이어지던중,
"Doyoueverthinkaboutwhereourrelationshipisheading?"
우리의관계가어디로향하고있는지생각해본적있어?
라고묻는그녀….
다만,이’awrangleforaring,-결혼을의식한관계를묻는대화’가시작되자,젊은그는경직되고,주춤…
-…그리고,그녀에게서허락된단한번의관계…
그러나그후,그녀도주인공의동요를감지…-결국은,소원해지는두사람의만남.
*
여기에,역시’소설적드라마(melodramatic)‘가전개된다.
주인공이그토록동경하던진지한친구Adrian에게서온한장의편지에,
(-AdriansaidhewaswritingtoaskmypermissiontogooutwithVeronica.)
자신의옛여자친구Veronica와사귀는것에허락을구하는내용이적혀있었다…
그는,이편지의당돌함에고심끝..,가장’예의바르고,적절한(properly)’태도로,답신을적어보낸다…
그리고,Adrain으로부터의무례한편지를태우며,그둘을영원히자신의삶에서배제할것을다짐한다.
When,atlast,Irepliedtoitproperly,Ididn’tuseanyofthesilly"epistle"language…
…ThenIwishedhimgoodluck,burnthisletterinanemptygrate(melodramatic,Iagree,…)
and,decidedthatthetwoofthemwerenowoutofmylifeforever.
소설<TheSenseofAnEnding>은,제1부와제2부로나누어져있다.
지금까지’위에인용한내용’들이,제1부에적혀있는<주인공이’기억하는’청춘이야기들>…
-<본인이뇌리속에자리잡게한>’지난자기삶의형태’….
*
그리고,제2부는,
그후직장에서만난여인과의8년의결혼생활후,딸하나를두고이혼,60이넘어정년을맞아
홀로사는주인공의’오늘’의모습이적힌다.
포우스팅의배경음악은,주인공이그나이가되어서비로소더욱즐기게되었다는
‘드보르작의현악4중주(Dvorak,thestringquartets)’중의한곡.
이선율이어울리는그의한적한시간의흐름속에,
불현듯,과거로부터의유물이날라든다.-그리잘알지못하는이로부터의짧은유언과한낱500파운드의유산.
그리고,이를계기로,제1부에적혔던본인의기억이,거의대부분,
그저주인공의’자기방위(self-perservation)’로왜곡된사실들이었음이밝혀진다.
(지금껏제1부에적힌일화들을좇아읽어온독자는,크게동요를느끼게된다…)
-<동경하면서도질투하고,사랑하면서도두려웠던>두친구에게갖었었던’컴플렉스’로해서,
더욱날카롭게드러낸손톱으로이들을할퀴었던깊고음침한상흔들…
본인스스로는’properly’이성적으로예의를갖추어적었다고굳게믿었던
자신의필적으로적힌편지를40년이지나읽게되는순간,
그편지가<자신의기억과는달리>,실제로는,
<언어의’폭력’으로가득찬,추한저주의단어로나열된조잡한것>이었음을알게된다.
자신이적었었다고생각해왔던<‘예의바른,적절한(properly)’편지>는어디에?
….실제는,그곳에그런자취는미추도적혀있지않았었다.
(하단에,원문을인용합니다…-우리글로옮겨올리기도부끄러운단어들의나열…)
‘자신의소심,사실과직면할용기를갖지못하고외면하고살았기에’,
자신과관계한사람들의삶에산재되어누적된수많은손상의형태들…-그불편한진실들과만나게된다.
친구들을’먼저배반한것’은,실은자신이었으며,
그런진실에반하여,외려자신이친구들의배반에퍼붓었던저주(詛呪)가
실제로는,’제자신에게–보다면밀히적으면,얼굴도보지못한자신의딸에게–다내려져있었다’는사실에경악한다.
-역사의귀결.
(제2부에적힌,그와관계된사람들의’깊은상흔’들을이곳에세세히올리는것은피합니다.너무아픈이야기들…
-권해드리고싶은’어른소설’.)
*
대학에서’역사’학을선택,전공하는주인공이적히며,
소설에는’역사의정의’가몇몇소개된다.
-Historyistheliesofthevictors.(역사는승자들이적는’거짓말’.)
-Itistheself-delusionsofthedefeated.(….패자들의’자기기만’.)
-Itisthatcertaintyproducedatthepointwheretheimperfectionsofmemorymeettheinadequaciesofdocumentation.(….’불완전한기억’이’불충분한자료’로적는’확신’.)
개인도,사회도,나라도,’역사’를갖는다.
-다만,그’실제’들는어떠했고,그’기억’들은…?…그리고그책임은..?
‘무엇이바름인지’를잘알면서도,
‘자기기만’으로역사앞에살짝비켜서서시선을피하는사람들의’귀결의감각’.
-Anthony의삶처럼,<뒤로늦추어지지만,반드시,제손에쥐어지게되는’역사의바른심판’>-무거운결정(結晶).
한때는역사학도였던그의말을빌리면,
<…buttimecan.Timewilltell.Italwaysdoes.(…시간은할수있어.시간이심판할거야.언제나그러했지.)>
(청색글씨는소설에서인용,
우리말옮김성학)
***
(…놀라운편지였습니다.<지성이이렇게까지’뒤틀려잔인하고폭력적’일수있음>을보여주는글…
수십년이흘러,자신의필적으로적힌그런조악한편지를읽는본인의심정이랴…-참고로옮깁니다.)
DearAdrian–orrather,DearAdrianandVeronica
(hello,Bitch,andwelcometothisletter),
WellyoucertainlydeserveoneanotherandIwishyoumuchjoy.Ihopeyougetsoinvolvedthatthemutualdamagewillbepermanent.IhopeyouregretthedayIintroducedyou.AndIhopethatwhenyoubreakup,asyouinevitablywill–Igiveyousixmonths,whichyoursharedpridewillextendtoayear,allthebetterforfuckingyouup,sayI–youareleftwithalifetimeofbitternessthatwillpoisonyoursubsequentrelationships.Partofmehopesyou’llhavea
child,becauseI’mgreatbelieverintime’srevenge,yeauntothenextgeneratioandthenext.SeeGreatArt.Butrevengemustbeontherightpeople,i.e.youtwo(andyou’renotgreatart,justacartoonist’sdoodle.)SoIdon’twishyouthat.Itwouldbeunjusttoinflictonsomeinnocentfoetustheprospectofdiscoveringthatitwasthefruitofyour
loins,ifyou’llexcusethepoeticism.SokeeprollingtheDurexontohisspindlycock,Veronica.Orperhapsyouhaven’tlethimgothatfaryet?
Stillenoughofthecourtesies.Ihavejustafewprecisethingstoeachofyou.
Adrian:youalreadyknowshe’sacockteaser,ofcourse–thoughIexpectyoutoldyourselfshewasengagedina
StrugglewithHerPrinciples,whichyouasaphilosopherwouldemployyourgreycellstohelpherovercome.Ifshe
hasn’tletyouGoAlltheWayyet,Isuggestyoubreakupwithher,andshe’llberoundyourplacewithsodden
knickersandathree-pack,eagertogiveitaway.Butcockteasingisalsoametaphor:sheissomeonewhowill
manipulateyourinnerselfwhileholdinghersbackfromyou.Ileaveaprecisediagnosistotheheadshrinkers–which
mightvaryaccordingtothedayoftheweek–andmerelynoteherinabilitytoimagineanyoneelse’sfeelingsoremotionallife.Evenherownmotherwarnedmeagainsther.IfIwereyou,I’dcheckthingsoutwithMum-askheraboutdamagealongwayback.Ofcourse,you’llhavetodothisbehindVeronica’sback,becauseboyisthatgirlacontrol
freak.Oh,andshe’salsoasnob,asyoumustbeaware,whoonlytookupwithyoubecauseyouweresoonhaveBA
Cantabafteryourname.RememberhowmuchyoudespisedBrotherJackandhisposhfriends?Isthatwhoyouwanttorunwithnow?Butdon’tforget:givehertime,andshe’lllookdownonyoujustasshelooksdownonme.
Veronica:interesting,thatjointletter.Yourmalicemixedwithhispriggishness.Quiteamarriageoftalents.Likeyour
senseofsocialsuperiorityversushissenseofintellectualsuperiority.Butdon’tthinkyoucanoutsmartArdrianasyou(foratime)outsmartedme.Icanseeyourtactics–isolatehim,cuthimofffromhisoldfriends,makehimdependentonyou,etc.,etc.Thatmightworkintheshortterm.Butinthelong?It’sjustaquestionofwhetheryoucanget
pregnantbeforehediscovesyou’reabore.Andevenifyoudonailhimdown,youcanlookforwardtoalifetimeof
havingyourlogiccorrected,tobreakfast-tablepedantryandstifledyawnsatyourairsandgraces,Ican’tdoanythingtoyounow,buttimecan.Timewilltell.Italwaysdoes.
Complimentsoftheseasontoyou,andmaytheacidrainfallonyourjointandanointedheads.
Tony.
*
<후기>
작가의멧시지(moral)는간단,명료하다-"Timecan.Timewilltell.Italwaysdoes."
참돌려도말한다,문학은….
-‘사필귀정’이라는네글자로적으면될일이라도…
….’시간’은충분히있음에…
멧시지뿐만아니라,작가의얼과만난다.
따뜻한차를두잔만들어,작가앞에,그리고내앞에내려놓고는,
작가의마주편에자리하고앉아,그의눈을직시하며그의목소리에귀기울인다…
-머리를끄덕여보이기도…살짝웃기도하며…
