밤2시가넘어서야귀가…,

그위에출세를위해회식과골프를더챙기는아빠…

저녁7시까지오버웤을하여도이리저리눈치를보며겨우회사를벗어나는…,

‘아이들을돌보아주고,자잔한집안일해주고,일에더몰두할수있게해주는–마누라가있다면‘을

꿈꾸며한숨짓는엄마…

(몸살이나도록이것저것바삐일하는엄마의수고에경탄!)

아침8시전에집을나서,밤7시가넘어서야겨우엄마와만나,그손에끌려함께장을보고…

결국아이들이asweet,sweethome에다시발을들여놓는것은,12-13시간후?

그사이,보육원,어린이집,학교,학원등등…이아이들을돌보아주는사람은,

낳아준엄마나아빠가아닌,다른어른들…

이글속의출세지향의아빠의모습은,

스티브가결코입에올리지않는‘생부‘를떠올리게한다.

당연히존재하지만,아이들의눈에는어디에있는지알수없는…

생이별의‘갈매기아빠‘들도많아서…

—물론,그정도에는차이가있다하더라도…

이글속의능력있는엄마의모습은,

스티브의성장을양부모를찾아건넨그의생모를연상시킨다.

결코‘본의에의한것’뜻하지는않으리라생각되나,실제로아이들의양육은거의다른이들에게맡겨진상태…

—물론,그정도에는차이가있다하더라도…

아이들은

‘얼굴도볼수없는‘아빠로

‘바깥일에지쳐서집에서는—아이들을사랑할그리고가르칠—기력조차없는‘엄마로해서

해방감을느끼고있을까…?혹은…?

*

-"그런열악한성장환경속에서도공부를열심히해,

스티브처럼세상에큰일을하는인물이되면되지않은가…"

-"그의말마따나,

‘늘‘아직은모자란다‘고…,늘‘지혜도부족하다‘고…’느끼며(Stayhungry,stayfoolish.)

악착같이바둥대며’다른우주’,’또다른이의삶’에대해서는안하무인격으로방만하여도

‘짧아도굵은삶‘을사는것이더큰행복이아닌가…"

라고반문하는부모들이있다면,나역시되묻고싶다.

-‘정말이십니까?…

라고.

*

온세상이

‘한천재‘의,’한영웅‘의죽음을애도하고있을때,

나는,

정말은’죽고싶지않다‘고…

모든유한한생명을가진존재의진실을토로하면서도

‘과거의시간속의찌들린스트레스’가몸속에서악성으로변형시킨암세포로인해

너무일찍요절하게된<일반인‘한인간‘>,스티브잡스를떠올리며

우리나라의,너무많은‘제2,제3의스티브잡스들‘의성장을

오히려걱정하고있다…

사랑과,기쁨과,행복이넘치는성장으로

—심적으로도,신체적으로도—건강한인간의삶을더기원한다.

진정삶에‘성공한사람‘은

이런이들이다…

**

(ThisisapreparedtextoftheCommencementaddress

deliveredbySteveJobs,CEOofAppleComputerandofPixarAnimationStudios,onJune12,2005.)

Iamhonoredtobewithyoutoday

atyourcommencementfromoneofthefinestuniversitiesintheworld.

Inevergraduatedfromcollege.

Truthbetold,thisistheclosestI’veevergottentoacollegegraduation.

TodayIwanttotellyouthreestoriesfrommylife.

That’sit.Nobigdeal.Justthreestories.

*

Thefirststoryisaboutconnectingthedots.

IdroppedoutofReedCollegeafterthefirst6months,

butthenstayedaroundasadrop-inforanother18monthsorsobeforeIreallyquit.

SowhydidIdropout?

ItstartedbeforeIwasborn.

Mybiologicalmotherwasayoung,unwedcollegegraduatestudent,

andshedecidedtoputmeupforadoption.

ShefeltverystronglythatIshouldbeadoptedbycollegegraduates,

soeverythingwasallsetformetobeadoptedatbirthbyalawyerandhiswife.

ExceptthatwhenIpoppedout

theydecidedatthelastminutethattheyreallywantedagirl.

Somyparents,whowereonawaitinglist,

gotacallinthemiddleofthenightasking:

"Wehaveanunexpectedbabyboy;doyouwanthim?"

Theysaid:"Ofcourse."

Mybiologicalmotherlaterfoundout

thatmymotherhadnevergraduatedfromcollege

andthatmyfatherhadnevergraduatedfromhighschool.

Sherefusedtosignthefinaladoptionpapers.

Sheonlyrelentedafewmonthslater

whenmyparentspromisedthatIwouldsomedaygotocollege.

And17yearslaterIdidgotocollege.

ButInaivelychoseacollegethatwasalmostasexpensiveasStanford,

andallofmyworking-classparents’savingswerebeingspentonmycollegetuition.

Aftersixmonths,Icouldn’tseethevalueinit.

IhadnoideawhatIwantedtodowithmylife

andnoideahowcollegewasgoingtohelpmefigureitout.

AndhereIwasspendingallofthemoneymyparentshadsavedtheirentirelife.

SoIdecidedtodropout

andtrustthatitwouldallworkoutOK.

Itwasprettyscaryatthetime,

butlookingbackitwasoneofthebestdecisionsIevermade.

TheminuteIdroppedout,

Icouldstoptakingtherequiredclassesthatdidn’tinterestme

andbegindroppinginontheonesthatlookedinteresting.

Itwasn’tallromantic.

Ididn’thaveadormroom,soIsleptonthefloorinfriends’rooms,

Ireturnedcokebottlesforthe5¢depositstobuyfoodwith,

andIwouldwalkthe7milesacrosstowneverySundaynight

togetonegoodmealaweekattheHareKrishnatemple.Ilovedit.

AndmuchofwhatIstumbledintobyfollowingmycuriosityandintuition

turnedouttobepricelesslateron.

Letmegiveyouoneexample:

ReedCollegeatthattimeofferedperhapsthebestcalligraphyinstructioninthecountry.

Throughoutthecampuseveryposter,everylabeloneverydrawer,wasbeautifullyhandcalligraphed.

BecauseIhaddroppedoutanddidn’thavetotakethenormalclasses,

Idecidedtotakeacalligraphyclasstolearnhowtodothis.

Ilearned

aboutserifandsanseriftypefaces,

aboutvaryingtheamountofspacebetweendifferentlettercombinations,

aboutwhatmakesgreattypographygreat.

Itwasbeautiful,historical,artisticallysubtleinawaythatsciencecan’tcapture,

andIfounditfascinating.

Noneofthishadevenahopeofanypracticalapplicationinmylife.

Buttenyearslater,whenweweredesigningthefirstMacintoshcomputer,

itallcamebacktome.

AndwedesigneditallintotheMac.

Itwasthefirstcomputerwithbeautifultypography.

IfIhadneverdroppedinonthatsinglecourseincollege,

theMacwouldhaveneverhadmultipletypefacesorproportionallyspacedfonts.

AndsinceWindowsjustcopiedtheMac,

it’slikelythatnopersonalcomputerwouldhavethem.

IfIhadneverdroppedout,Iwouldhaveneverdroppedinonthiscalligraphyclass,

andpersonalcomputersmightnothavethewonderfultypographythattheydo.

OfcourseitwasimpossibletoconnectthedotslookingforwardwhenIwasincollege.

Butitwasvery,veryclearlookingbackwardstenyearslater.

Again,youcan’tconnectthedotslookingforward;

youcanonlyconnectthemlookingbackwards.

Soyouhavetotrust

thatthedotswillsomehowconnectinyourfuture.

Youhavetotrustinsomething—yourgut,destiny,life,karma,whatever.

Thisapproachhasneverletmedown,

andithasmadeallthedifferenceinmylife.

*

Mysecondstoryisaboutloveandloss.

Iwaslucky—IfoundwhatIlovedtodoearlyinlife.

WozandIstartedAppleinmyparentsgaragewhenIwas20.

Weworkedhard,andin10yearsApplehadgrownfromjustthetwoofusinagarage

intoa$2billioncompanywithover4000employees.

Wehadjustreleasedourfinestcreation—theMacintosh—ayearearlier,

andIhadjustturned30.

AndthenIgotfired.

Howcanyougetfiredfromacompanyyoustarted?

Well,asApplegrew

wehiredsomeonewhoIthoughtwasverytalentedtorunthecompanywithme,

andforthefirstyearorsothingswentwell.

Butthenourvisionsofthefuturebegantodiverge

andeventuallywehadafallingout.

Whenwedid,ourBoardofDirectorssidedwithhim.

Soat30Iwasout.

Andverypubliclyout.

Whathadbeenthefocusofmyentireadultlifewasgone,anditwasdevastating.

Ireallydidn’tknowwhattodoforafewmonths.

IfeltthatIhadletthepreviousgenerationofentrepreneursdown

-thatIhaddroppedthebatonasitwasbeingpassedtome.

ImetwithDavidPackardandBobNoyce

andtriedtoapologizeforscrewingupsobadly.

Iwasaverypublicfailure,

andIeventhoughtaboutrunningawayfromthevalley.

Butsomethingslowlybegantodawnonme—IstilllovedwhatIdid.

TheturnofeventsatApplehadnotchangedthatonebit.

Ihadbeenrejected,butIwasstillinlove.

AndsoIdecidedtostartover.

Ididn’tseeitthen,

butitturnedoutthatgettingfiredfromApplewasthebestthingthatcouldhaveeverhappenedtome.

Theheavinessofbeingsuccessful

wasreplacedbythelightnessofbeingabeginneragain,lesssureabouteverything.

Itfreedmetoenteroneofthemostcreativeperiodsofmylife.

Duringthenextfiveyears,

IstartedacompanynamedNeXT,anothercompanynamedPixar,

andfellinlovewithanamazingwomanwhowouldbecomemywife.

Pixarwentontocreatetheworldsfirstcomputeranimatedfeaturefilm,ToyStory,

andisnowthemostsuccessfulanimationstudiointheworld.

Inaremarkableturnofevents,

AppleboughtNeXT,IreturnedtoApple,

andthetechnologywedevelopedatNeXTisattheheartofApple’scurrentrenaissance.

AndLaureneandIhaveawonderfulfamilytogether.

I’mprettysurenoneofthiswouldhavehappenedifIhadn’tbeenfiredfromApple.

Itwasawfultastingmedicine,butIguessthepatientneededit.

Sometimeslifehitsyouintheheadwithabrick.

Don’tlosefaith.

I’mconvincedthattheonlythingthatkeptmegoingwasthatIlovedwhatIdid.

You’vegottofindwhatyoulove.

Andthatisastrueforyourworkasitisforyourlovers.

Yourworkisgoingtofillalargepartofyourlife,

andtheonlywaytobetrulysatisfiedistodowhatyoubelieveisgreatwork.

Andtheonlywaytodogreatworkistolovewhatyoudo.

Ifyouhaven’tfoundityet,keeplooking.Don’tsettle.

Aswithallmattersoftheheart,you’llknowwhenyoufindit.

And,likeanygreatrelationship,itjustgetsbetterandbetterastheyearsrollon.

Sokeeplookinguntilyoufindit.Don’tsettle.

*

Mythirdstoryisaboutdeath.

WhenIwas17,Ireadaquotethatwentsomethinglike:

"Ifyouliveeachdayasifitwasyourlast,

somedayyou’llmostcertainlyberight."

Itmadeanimpressiononme,

andsincethen,forthepast33years,

Ihavelookedinthemirroreverymorningandaskedmyself:

"Iftodaywerethelastdayofmylife,

wouldIwanttodowhatIamabouttodotoday?"

Andwhenevertheanswerhasbeen"No"fortoomanydaysinarow,

IknowIneedtochangesomething.

RememberingthatI’llbedeadsoon

isthemostimportanttoolI’veeverencounteredtohelpmemakethebigchoicesinlife.

Becausealmosteverything—allexternalexpectations,allpride,allfearofembarrassmentorfailure

-thesethingsjustfallawayinthefaceofdeath,leavingonlywhatistrulyimportant.

Rememberingthatyouaregoingtodie

isthebestwayIknowtoavoidthetrapofthinkingyouhavesomethingtolose.

Youarealreadynaked.

Thereisnoreasonnottofollowyourheart.

AboutayearagoIwasdiagnosedwithcancer.

Ihadascanat7:30inthemorning,anditclearlyshowedatumoronmypancreas.

Ididn’tevenknowwhatapancreaswas.

Thedoctorstoldmethiswasalmostcertainlyatypeofcancer

thatisincurable,andthatIshouldexpecttolivenolongerthanthreetosixmonths.

Mydoctoradvisedmetogohomeandgetmyaffairsinorder,

whichisdoctor’scodeforpreparetodie.

Itmeanstotry

totellyourkidseverythingyouthoughtyou’dhavethenext10yearstotelltheminjustafewmonths.

Itmeanstomakesureeverythingisbuttonedup

sothatitwillbeaseasyaspossibleforyourfamily.

Itmeanstosayyourgoodbyes.

Ilivedwiththatdiagnosisallday.

LaterthateveningIhadabiopsy,

wheretheystuckanendoscopedownmythroat,throughmystomachandintomyintestines,

putaneedleintomypancreas

andgotafewcellsfromthetumor.

Iwassedated,butmywife,whowasthere,toldme

thatwhentheyviewedthecellsunderamicroscopethedoctorsstartedcrying

becauseitturnedouttobeaveryrareformofpancreaticcancerthatiscurablewithsurgery.

IhadthesurgeryandI’mfinenow.

ThiswastheclosestI’vebeentofacingdeath,

andIhopeit’stheclosestIgetforafewmoredecades.

Havinglivedthroughit,

Icannowsaythistoyouwithabitmorecertaintythanwhendeathwasauseful

butpurelyintellectualconcept:Noonewantstodie.

Evenpeoplewhowanttogotoheavendon’twanttodietogetthere.

Andyetdeathisthedestinationweallshare.

Noonehaseverescapedit.

Andthatisasitshouldbe,becauseDeathisverylikelythesinglebestinventionofLife.

ItisLife’schangeagent.

Itclearsouttheoldtomakewayforthenew.

Rightnowthenewisyou,

butsomedaynottoolongfromnow,youwillgraduallybecometheoldandbeclearedaway.

Sorrytobesodramatic,butitisquitetrue.

Yourtimeislimited,sodon’twasteitlivingsomeoneelse’slife.

Don’tbetrappedbydogma—whichislivingwiththeresultsofotherpeople’sthinking.

Don’tletthenoiseofothers’opinionsdrownoutyourowninnervoice.

Andmostimportant,havethecouragetofollowyourheartandintuition.

Theysomehowalreadyknowwhatyoutrulywanttobecome.

Everythingelseissecondary.

WhenIwasyoung,

therewasanamazingpublicationcalledTheWholeEarthCatalog,

whichwasoneofthebiblesofmygeneration.

ItwascreatedbyafellownamedStewartBrandnotfarfromhereinMenloPark,

andhebroughtittolifewithhispoetictouch.

Thiswasinthelate1960’s,

beforepersonalcomputersanddesktoppublishing,

soitwasallmadewithtypewriters,scissors,andpolaroidcameras.

ItwassortoflikeGoogleinpaperbackform,35yearsbeforeGooglecamealong:

itwasidealistic,andoverflowingwithneattoolsandgreatnotions.

StewartandhisteamputoutseveralissuesofTheWholeEarthCatalog,

andthenwhenithadrunitscourse,theyputoutafinalissue.

Itwasthemid-1970s,andIwasyourage.

Onthebackcoveroftheirfinalissue

wasaphotographofanearlymorningcountryroad,

thekindyoumightfindyourselfhitchhikingonifyouweresoadventurous.

Beneathitwerethewords:"StayHungry.StayFoolish."

Itwastheirfarewellmessageastheysignedoff.

StayHungry.StayFoolish.

AndIhavealwayswishedthatformyself.

Andnow,asyougraduatetobeginanew,Iwishthatforyou.

StayHungry.StayFoolish.

Thankyouallverymuch.

*

(조선WapleTimes기사‘나도마누라가있었으면좋겠다‘,김윤덕기자)

PM7:00

"벌써가?"

부장의눈화살을등짝에다발로맞으며사무실을나선다.찬바람에몸이으슬으슬하다.버스는왜이리더디오는지.지금쯤새싹반선생님눈꼬리는V자가되었을것이다.아이가어린이집신발장앞에쪼그리고앉아있다가두팔을벌린다."엄마아~."

아이손을잡고마트로간다.큰애가학원서돌아올시간에맞춰저녁밥을지어야한다.현관문을따고들어서기무섭게전화벨이울린다."집에왔냐?저녁밥은지었냐?애비반찬은만들었냐?"며느리는회사에서고스톱치다오는줄아시는시어머니시다.콩나물을삶고,계란을부친다.돼지목살에신김치숭숭썰어찌개를끓인다.신발을벗기도전에배고파죽겠다고펄펄뛰는아이앞에밥상을번개처럼차려낸다.입짧은둘째의꽁무니를쫓아다니며밥을떠먹인다.아이들이남긴반찬을긁어모아밥위에얹는다.입안이모래를씹은듯까끌까끌하다.아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면.고슬고슬지은밥에따끈한된장국끓여주며"오늘고생했지?많이먹어"하고등두드려주는마누라가있었으면정말좋겠다.

PM10:00

아이들씻기고이부자리펼때까지도,대통령보다바쁜낭군님은깜깜소식이다.둘째를재우고큰아이방으로간다.게임을하다가화들짝놀란녀석이배시시웃는다.숙제다했어?준비물은챙겨놨어?애매모호한표정을짓는녀석의책가방을점검한다.안쪽주머니에서수상한물건이만져진다.꼬깃꼬깃접힌종이뭉치의정체는수학단원평가시험지다.붉은작대기가하나,둘,셋,넷,다섯,여섯….학기초담임의충고가악몽처럼되살아난다."초등학교때밀리면영영못따라가는거아시죠?"

아이를책상앞에앉힌다.낼모레중학생인녀석의곱셈·나눗셈이불안하기짝이없다."설마이것도못푼거야?"녀석이입을삐죽거린다."맞벌이아들이이정도면잘한거야,엄마."등짝을냅다후려친다.함께문제를푼다.엄마는쩔쩔매고아이는하품을한다.편도선이부었는지목이따끔거린다.아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면."애들공부는내게맡기고당신은회사일만열심히해"하고어깨주물러주는신사임당같은마누라가있었으면좋겠다.

AM2:00

띵동!초인종소리에선잠을깬다.열쇠를못찾을만큼만취하고도집찾아오는실력은노벨상감이다.이기지도못할술을왜그렇게마셔?일찍들어와서애수학좀봐주면안돼?누군마시고싶어마시냐.남자가술빼고출세를어떻게하냐.회식도근무의연장인거몰라?야근수당도안나오는회식이어째서근무의연장인지,회식만잡히면그대눈은어찌그리반짝이는지,술독에빠져사는사람치고출세한사람본적이없거늘.정작그대의마누라는부장입에서회식의’ㅎ’자라도나올까봐가슴을졸이고,회식자리에서도시계만쳐다보다가"그럴거면애나키우지,뭐하러회사엘다녀?"소릴듣고다닌다는걸이남자는알까.

꿀물을탄다.소파에대(大)자로뻗은남편의양말을벗겨낸다.전골국물빨갛게튄와이셔츠앞자락을보며옥시크린이다떨어졌음을상기한다.아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면,회식하고돌아오는날이면집앞에서기다리다가,"모처럼스트레스좀풀었어?"하고웃어주며술국끓여주는마누라가있었으면좋겠다.

AM6:00

알람이쩌렁쩌렁울린다.오한에천근만근가라앉는몸을일으켜부엌으로나간다.물에불린황태를들기름에달달볶아북어국을끓인다.속앓이한번오지게해봐야술을입에도안댈것을,미우나고우나가장(家長)이니,주여,내마음에사랑이강물처럼흐르게하소서.깨작깨작밥알을굴리던남편이느닷없이골프타령이다."골프를배워야겠어.사장님골프시중들다고속승진한사람이수두룩하대.""골프톡(talk)은가고엘리베이터톡이대세라던데?""무식한소리좀하지마."큰애학교보내고,둘째는어린이집에들여보내고나니벌써8시다.달리는버스안에서여기저기전화를돌린다."중고골프채있으면좀빌려줄수있어?나도우리남편출세좀시켜보려고,흐흐…."민망함때문인지,몸살때문인지등짝에식은땀이흐른다.

아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면."애들은내가볼테니토요일하루라도혼자만의시간을가져"하고집에서내쫓아주는마누라가있다면정말좋겠다.열가지일은자기가하고,난한가지일만할수있게팍팍밀어주는마누라가있다면,나는골프같은거안치고도진작에상무님되었을것이다.전무님되었을것이다.