태그 글목록: 아이들

“엄마는 무어라고 하든?”

미국에서는,아이들중30%‘친아버지와의가정이아닌집’에밤을지내고있으며

,’아이를홀로키우는어머니들’중30%미성년이다.

일본에서의그수치는,각각약1%1%이다.

…IntheUnitedStates,30%ofchildrensleepinadifferenthomethantheirfather

and30%ofsinglemothersareteenagers.

InJapan,thenumbersareabout1%and1%respectively.

(<심층문화의탐구(ExploringHiddenCulture,2001),

스테이플튼(PaulStapleton)>중에서)

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같은이해‘를가져도

정반대의결론을이끌어내는예는적지않다.

지난달중순,30대후반의한프랑스여류작가인지인으로부터

다음과같은메일을받았다.

(전략)일본의경우는모르지만,…프랑스나,내가알고있는미국과같은서양사회에서는,평균적으로여자들이

대단히힘들게일을하고있지요.(남자들만큼,남자들보다더힘든경우도있습니다사회의빈곤층에서는

일을갖지않은남자들이많아…–그들을대신해여자들이더벌이를해야하기때문이예요.)그럼에도,같은

일이더라도여성들에게지불되는급여는적은데다,이혼률이대단이높아혼자서아이를키우는경우가많고,

아버지들이아이들을돌보거나교육비를부담하려고하지않기때문입니다.(중략)

학교에서는여학생들이남학생들보다잘하지요.모든과목에서이것이증명되어요하지만,직장생활에

이르면,여자들은남자들밑에자리가주어집니다.이곳에는여자들이뚫고올라갈수없는유리천장‘–눈에

보이지는않으나엄연히존재하는장애물있어요결코여성이인간적으로열등하거나직장인으로서능숙

하지않기때문이아니라,그저태어났을때,양다리사이에다른기관을가졌다는이유에서이지요!

Idon’tknowforJapanButinmycountry,andwesternonesIknowlikeUSA,womeninaverageareworking

veryhard(ashardasmen,andsometimesmorethanmenbecausethereisalotofmasculineunemployment

inpoorsocialclass…),theyarelesspaidthanmenforthesamework,theyareveryoftenraisingtheirchildalone,

becauseoftheveryhightrateofdivorcesandfatherswhodon’tbothertokeeponseeingthechildrennorpaying

toraisethem…

…Girlsarebetterthanboysatschool,allthestudiesproveit.Butwhentheyarriveinworkinglife,theyare

treatedlikeunder-men,andthereisaglass-ceilingtheycan’tbreak…notbecausetheyarelessvaluableas

humanbeingsorlesscompetentasworkers-justbecausetheyarebornwiththewrongorgansbetweentheir

legs!

역시작가~.-‘양다리사이의기관‘…

<학교에서는여학생들이남학생들보다잘하지요.모든과목에서이것이증명되어요…>

라는부분은(물론,모든것에는언제나예외가있으나),

이프랑스여인과내가공유하는이해‘다..

한편,이사실을이유로,

그녀가,여자도직장에나아가남자들과같은일을해야한다는결론을내린반면,

의결론은,…조금다르다.

(이에관해서는,앞서도<국제인의야누스…>적은바있다.

이프랑스인은,그글에서언급한중국계영국인과는다른이.)

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(전략)

「옳지.누가나에게술을권했단말이요?내가술이먹고싶어서먹었단말이요?

「자시고싶어잡수신건아니지요.누가당신께약주를권하는지내가알아낼까요?첫째는홧증이술을권하고

둘째는하이칼라가약주를권하지요.

아내는살짝웃는다.내가어지간히알아맞췄지요하는모양이었다.

남편은고소(苦笑)한다.

「틀렸소,잘못알았소.홧증이술을권하는것도아니고,하이칼라가술을권하는것도아니요.나에게술을권하는

것은따로있어.마누라가,내가어떤하이칼라한테나흘려다니거나,그하이칼라가늘내게술을권하거니하고

근심을했으면,그것은헛걱정이지.나에게하이칼라는아무소용도없소.나의소용은술뿐이요.술이창자를

휘돌아,이것저것을잊게맨드는것을나는취()할뿐이요.

하더니,홀연어조(語調)를고쳐감개무량하게,

「아아,유위유망(有爲有望)한머리를알코올로마비아니시킬수없게하는그것이무엇이란말이요

하고긴한숨을내어쉰다.물큰물큰한술냄새가방안에흩어진다.

아내에게는그말이너무어려웠다.고만묵묵히입을다물었다.눈에보이지않는무슨벽이자기와남편사이에

깔리는듯하였다.남편의말이길어질때마다아내는이런쓰디쓴경험을맛보았다.이런일은한두번이아니었다.

이윽고남편은기막힌듯이웃는다.

「흥,또못알아듣는군.묻는내가그르지,마누라야그런말을알수있겠소.내가설명해드리지.자세히들어요.

내게술을권하는것은홧증도아니고하이칼라도아니요,이사회란것이내게술을권한다오.이조선사회란것이

내게술을권한다오.알았소?…(중략)

「술아니먹는다고흉장이막혀요?

남편의하는짓은본체만체하고아내는얼굴을더욱붉히며부르짖었다.

그말에몹시놀랜것처럼남편은어이없이아내의얼굴을바라보더니그다음순간에는말할수없는고뇌(苦惱)

그림자가그의눈을거쳐간다.

「그르지,내가그르지.너같은숙맥(菽麥)더러그런말을하는내가그르지너한테조금이라도위로를얻으려는

내가그르지.후후.스스로탄식한다.「아아답답해!

문득기막힌듯이외마디소리를치고는벌떡몸을일으킨다.방문을열고나가려한다.(중략)

아내는뒤에서구두신으려는남편의팔을잡으며말을하였다.그의손이떨고있었다.그의눈에는담박에눈물이

쏟아질듯하였다.

「이건왜이래,저리로가!

배앝는듯이말을하고휙뿌리찐다.남편의발길이뚜벅뚜벅중문에다다랐다.어느덧그밖으로사라졌다.대문

빗장소리가덜컥하고난다.마루끝에떨어진아내는헛되어몇번,

「할멈!할멈!

하고불렀다.고요한밤공기를울리는구두소리는점점멀어간다.발자취는어느덧골목끝으로사라져버렸다.

다시금밤은적적히깊어간다.

「가버렸구면,가버렸어!(이하생략)

(<술권하는사회>전문,192111,현진건)

1921년나라의주권을빼앗기고있던시대의,그어려웠던’100년전의우리나라가정의애환이적힌글.

외국유학을앞둔16살의남학생에게,–먼길을떠나기전,어른들이서둘러맺는–2살위의양반집규수와의결혼..

그리고6,7년후,학업을마치고귀국한조선시대의청년과정숙한여인의부부이야기.

그러나,’배움이너무나달랐던’두선남선녀(善男善女)

서로의어려움을이해하지못하고한지붕밑에서함께하는삶이헛돌고있었다

그러나,20세기말이후부터는,

이미남녀의교육기회균등,지구촌의너무나도당연한사정.(방글라데시가부러운한국?)

이런환경속에서,<‘서로끌려결혼한두남녀’가대화를나누며

서로의뜻하는바를’잘이해하게된것’>은물론이다…

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위의’현진건작가의소설’을새삼스레찾아보게한것은,

오늘읽은한국인터넷기사였다.요즈음한국중년에게적지않이보인다는공황장애란무엇인가?.

"(한국)전인구의약5%이상에서곤란을겪을정도로흔한질병이며,

국민건강관리공단통계에의하면최근5년사이공황장애발병률은연평균10%증가하여

2012년도기준약6만명의환자들이치료중…"

이라고적혔다

기사속에서는중년을앞둔한남성의예가적혔지만,같은어려움을갖는여성들도물론계실터...

그증상은,

"직장을퇴근하여여느날처럼만원지하철을타고집으로돌아오는중이었습니다.안그래도최근경기가좋지

않아실적향상을위한압박을받고있던터라그날따라더지친상태였습니다.기억에는원효대교를넘을

즈음으로생각되는데갑자기지하철바닥이이리저리요동을치는것처럼느껴지더니어지러워서서있을수가

없었습니다.갑자기온몸에서식은땀이나면서가슴에서는불이난듯뜨겁고이내숨이가빠져서숨을쉴수가

없었습니다…"

굵은글씨체의대목에서,

현진건작가의또다른소설<빈처>에적혔던,남편의모습‘도새삼다시떠올린것.

"…그래도바늘방석에앉은것처럼앉아견딜수가없다.집에가려고나는몸을일으켰다.골치가띵하며내가

선방바닥이마치폭풍에도도하는파도같이높았다낮았다어질어질해서곧쓰러질것같다

(빈처-현진건-전문.hwp19211)

-‘약100년이지나도

<소설속의한남성’의증세>와<‘오늘날의중년들’의증세>가이리도똑같을수가…

한편,위의<권하는사회>보다수개월앞서적힌<빈처>,

정숙하고성실한아내또다른면모로,남편의고통을덜어주며감동을갖게하는이야기이다

오늘날한국사회에서도,

많은곧바르고성실한남편들,또,정숙하고성실한아내들,

배우자들에게힘든<공황증상>들지않도록,서로에게위로가되며고통을덜어주고있다고믿고싶다.

조금다른양상으로도오늘날계속되고있는<어른들에게’술권하는사회’>에서는

<혼자보다는,’둘’이서함께더하는힘>이더욱필요하다…

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아이의출생은,

익숙치못한부모역을부여받는젊은남녀에게적지않은변화를요구한다.(그때그곳–적시적소(適時適所))

일반적인여성과남성의성향이이렇다저렇다헤아릴것도없이–,

우리부부의경우,아침시각에같이집을나서야하는남녀중에

떨어져보육원에보내지는<아이에게서많은멧시지를읽는>쪽이었다.

아이가어떻게성장해야<소망을가진>,

아이의일에관계하여끊임없이<‘적시적소의결단이어질>절실히반응하는쪽도,

그래서,우리의경우,<‘먼저생활에깊이뿌리를내리는결단을한쪽>은내쪽이었다.

-‘한때여학생이었던사람이

한때남학생이었던사람보다,<역시나잘한다‘>라고한다면,이런모습일터….자식을가지면더욱…

반려가집을나서서벌어오는돈이지만,관리는여성쪽.

집의이런저런구입이나,행여사탕값마저도…,

그리고,가족이함께외출을하여도,계산대앞에서서지갑을여는것이엄마것을보아와

가계를지탱시키는것은엄마의‘…이라고오랜동안당연시했던아이들이,

실제로돈을버는것이정말은아버지라는,<실력자의식별>하게되는것은언제부터일까?

어쨌든,아이이어도그런분별을하게되면

그전까지엄마를보채던작은요구들,직접아버지에게가져가는꾀를부리기도했던듯.

-아이:아버지,이번에….(이렇고저렇고…)….그래서,돈이조금필요한데요~…

-아빠:그?…엄마에게는말을드렸니?…엄마는무어라고하든?…

아이들이다커서부모집을떠나생활하게후에서야,아들에게서듣게에피소드이다.

성장한아이들의이야기중에는,

‘엄마의입을거쳐아버지에게전하기’에는,그사연이복잡한경우도적지않습니다.

그래서한,내가아들에게<일은아버지에게직접말씀드려라>충고했더니,

아이가머리를설레설레흔들며하는,

-"또,틀림없이아버지는

‘…그래서?…,엄마는무어라고하든?’하고되물을걸요~."

오랜동안반려가,

아이들에게이러한대응으로,가정의관리자를신뢰하고응원해것을알게되었었다...

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삶은결국’스스로의이어서,

같은전제위의같은이해하여도,프랑스여인과결론이제각기다를있음은당연하다.

그래서서로다른의견은주고받지만,그렇다고,강요하거나관계를뒤틀을필요도없다.

-‘GoodLucks~!’

자신들의선택으로<자기크기의행복>느끼고있기를기원하게될뿐.

다만,포우스팅의첫머리에서인용한

프랑스지인이잘알고있는서양사회중의하나인<미국>,제가알고있는<일본>–,

이양사회의비교데이터에서도읽게되듯,

그사회들의절대적약자인<아이들의삶>불안정과안정의차이는,

그부모들,’남녀어른들의해좌우된다

그유명한시몬느보브와르(SimonedeBeauvoir,1908-86)>이전시대의여자들은,

‘교육받을기회가주어지지않았던사회속’에서,

편협한우월성으로방만,난폭했던남자들에의해크게상처받았었다.

그리고,’시몬느보브와르이후의여자들은,

사회에모습을드러내,이구태의연한남자들과싸우느라여념이없었다.

다만,–개중에는생각이부족한남자들과똑같은–‘방만,난폭한자세’를취한여자도

한편,현대여자들은,

<…학교에서는여학생들이남학생들보다더잘하지요.모든과목에서이것이증명되어요…>

라는,’평등한교육기회’를통해,여자들의힘을지켜보며인정하면서성장하여

지난날의남자들과는틀리게여자들과<대등한관계‘,’진실한관계>를를맺고자하는남자들의성숙으로,

여자들은,’사랑을통해결혼으로이어진가정속’에서

<적극적으로서로를이해하고돕는생활>을’리드하는을갖게되었다.

이러한<주체적인전업주부(專業主婦)’>라는,’새로운선택지늘은것은불과얼마전,’현대의일’이다.

(아니,남녀사람이함께일구는가정이니,사정에의해서는<‘전업주부(專業主夫)>가능하겠다

결국은,<사람이분별하여결단할일>.

적어도’자식들이성인이될때까지는,

사람이태어나게새로운어린생명의행복’,또모두가함께하는’가정의행복’을

<주체적으로이끌전업인>필요하다…-이는<결코쉬운일도,경시되어서도안되는’중요한일’>!)

남녀인간을둘러싼세계의정황’이이렇듯크게변했음에도,

여전히지난날의기준’으로만<남자와여자의세계>를보고대처하려해서야…(남성도여성도성장해있다.)

무엇보다도,한국사회의앞날이,미국과같이되는일이없도록,

<결혼한어른들이지혜>를다듬어야할터~.

(‘100년생명을사는세계에서…‘)

(Beethoven,SonatefürKlavierNr.17d-Moll2.SatzAdagio

playedbyMasumiHaraguchi

사진은Google에서,우리말옮김성학)

조금 비슷해서?! – ‘Steve Jobs의 성장기’와 ‘우리 사회의 아이들의 모습’

ipod를통해듣는음악

-나의,너무나엷고가는SteveJobs와의어깨스침이다.

그런데도틀림없이많은을맺은다른사람들과같이

나역시그의죽음을깊이애도한다.

암선고를받은1년후,수백만명이지켜보게되는자신의연설중에서

"죽고싶지않다"는진실을토로한이사람을너무나잘기억하기때문에

일반적으로3-6개월의연명인췌장암에걸려도

수술로그한계만은넘을수있는행운이주어져조금더긴삶이가능했을때,

그는그것만으로도감사하여그토록겸손할수있었을것이다

그러나그는명백히하늘을향해외쳤어야했다.

-"some아니‘SEVERAL’decades더살고싶다"

허나너무겸손했던그의바램대로,

2005612,그유명한연설후,

정말로,’afewdecades’만을더살고는

2011105,그의별이떨어졌다

그생명의무상을,그자신의애통함을조금은이해할수있기에!

그리고홀연,그의그명연설을너무나잘기억하는나는,

56세라는젊은나이로생명을잃는이사람의죽음을

주위와는조금다른시선으로주목해본다.

(이미방문하여본사람들도많으리라생각되면서도,

저의블러그를찾아주신분들과이자리에서도함께

너무일찍세상을떠난한무상한사람의죽음을애도하고싶은소망으로

그의연설동영상과그연설문을하단에첨부합니다…)

*

한점한점을메우어컴퓨터화면상에아름다운형상()’을드러냄을

자랑으로하는Macintoshcomputer를만들어낸그답게,

스티브는자신의모든삶의시작을,

한점에포착했었다.자기를낳아준어머니의결단.

"…ItstartedbeforeIwasborn.

Mybiologicalmotherwasayoung,unwedcollegegraduatestudent,

andshedecidedtoputmeupforadoption."

결혼을하지않은젊은대학원생이었던생모는,

‘주위의축복없이갖게된예기치않은(unexpected)’어린생명을

태어나면곧다른사람에게양자로보낼것을정하고있었다.

그러면서도,자기자신고등교육을받았기때문일까,

자신의아이도역시고등교육을받아야한다는어머니의바램만은강했다

스티브는유명인.

자신의출생에관련한프라이버시가이미세상에알려져있었다할지라도,

연설을하는자신의등뒤에서하품을할수있을정도로,시대의총아이어서강사로초청했음에도

대학을제대로마치지않은그를그다지평가하지않았던대스탠훠드대학의노교수들앞에서,

(그의동영상의시작부분에서이장면을볼수있다

이에당황한,그러나현명한카메라는

두번다시그단상의유지들을화면에담지않는다…)

그리고,유명대학의졸업을앞두고자신에넘쳐의기양양한젊은이들앞에서,

자신의<기대되지않은삶으로서의첫출발>을화제로올리는것은

결코쉬운일이아니었을것.

그자신의말을빌리면,’Itwasn’tallromantic.

드러내는사실(facts)’뒤에감추어져

그의생명에깊은상처를남겼을진실(truth)’은,결다말할수없는것일터이어서

<불량과반항>

<외골성과신경질적인유약함…>

그런성격으로,평탄하지못한그의모든삶의시작은,

그가태어나기이전에

그의어머니가내린매몰찬결단,

한점에서비롯되었다

그의너무이른죽음으로,새삼스레다시들추어본그의출생과성장기의이야기가,

어제읽은<조선WapleTimes>에서도,<WapleClub>에서도소개된

한기사나도마누라가있었으면좋겠다를떠올리게했다.

(이렇듯소개되어이미적지않은블러거들이벌써읽었을터이지만,

오늘날의젊은부부의가정이너무나생생하게적힌명문이어서,

포우스팅의말단에첨부한다역시꼭함께읽어보고싶은글.)

2시가넘어서야귀가…,

그위에출세를위해회식과골프를더챙기는아빠

저녁7시까지오버웤을하여도이리저리눈치를보며겨우회사를벗어나는…,

아이들을돌보아주고,자잔한집안일해주고,일에더몰두할수있게해주는마누라가있다면

꿈꾸며한숨짓는엄마

(몸살이나도록이것저것바삐일하는엄마의수고에경탄!)

아침8시전에집을나서,7시가넘어서야겨우엄마와만나,그손에끌려함께장을보고

결국아이들이asweet,sweethome다시발을들여놓는것은,12-13시간후?

그사이,보육원,어린이집,학교,학원등등이아이들을돌보아주는사람은,

낳아준엄마나아빠가아닌,다른어른들

이글속의출세지향의아빠의모습은,

스티브가결코입에올리지않는생부를떠올리게한다.

당연히존재하지만,아이들의눈에는어디에있는지알수없는

생이별의갈매기아빠들도많아서

물론,그정도에는차이가있다하더라도

이글속의능력있는엄마의모습은,

티브의성장을양부모를찾아건넨그의생모를연상시킨다.

결코‘본의에의한것’뜻하지는않으리라생각되나,실제로아이들의양육은거의다른이들에게맡겨진상태

물론,그정도에는차이가있다하더라도

아이들은

얼굴도볼수없는아빠로

바깥일에지쳐서집에서는아이들을사랑할그리고가르칠기력조차없는엄마로해서

해방감을느끼고있을까…?혹은…?

*

-"그런열악한성장환경속에서도공부를열심히해,

스티브처럼세상에큰일을하는인물이되면되지않은가…"

-"그의말마따나,

아직은모자란다…,지혜도부족하다…’느끼며(Stayhungry,stayfoolish.)

악착같이바둥대며’다른우주’,’또다른이의삶’에대해서는안하무인격으로방만하여도

짧아도굵은삶을사는것이더큰행복이아닌가…"

라고반문하는부모들이있다면,나역시되묻고싶다.

-‘정말이십니까?…

라고.

*

온세상이

한천재,’한영웅의죽음을애도하고있을때,

나는,

정말은’죽고싶지않다

모든유한한생명을가진존재의진실을토로하면서도

과거의시간속의찌들린스트레스’가몸속에서악성으로변형시킨암세포로인해

너무일찍요절하게된<일반인한인간‘>,스티브잡스를떠올리며

우리나라의,너무많은2,3의스티브잡스들성장을

오히려걱정하고있다

사랑과,기쁨과,행복이넘치는성장으로

심적으로도,신체적으로도건강한인간의삶을더기원한다.

진정삶에성공한사람

이런이들이다

**

(ThisisapreparedtextoftheCommencementaddress

deliveredbySteveJobs,CEOofAppleComputerandofPixarAnimationStudios,onJune12,2005.)

Iamhonoredtobewithyoutoday

atyourcommencementfromoneofthefinestuniversitiesintheworld.

Inevergraduatedfromcollege.

Truthbetold,thisistheclosestI’veevergottentoacollegegraduation.

TodayIwanttotellyouthreestoriesfrommylife.

That’sit.Nobigdeal.Justthreestories.

*

Thefirststoryisaboutconnectingthedots.

IdroppedoutofReedCollegeafterthefirst6months,

butthenstayedaroundasadrop-inforanother18monthsorsobeforeIreallyquit.

SowhydidIdropout?

ItstartedbeforeIwasborn.

Mybiologicalmotherwasayoung,unwedcollegegraduatestudent,

andshedecidedtoputmeupforadoption.

ShefeltverystronglythatIshouldbeadoptedbycollegegraduates,

soeverythingwasallsetformetobeadoptedatbirthbyalawyerandhiswife.

ExceptthatwhenIpoppedout

theydecidedatthelastminutethattheyreallywantedagirl.

Somyparents,whowereonawaitinglist,

gotacallinthemiddleofthenightasking:

"Wehaveanunexpectedbabyboy;doyouwanthim?"

Theysaid:"Ofcourse."

Mybiologicalmotherlaterfoundout

thatmymotherhadnevergraduatedfromcollege

andthatmyfatherhadnevergraduatedfromhighschool.

Sherefusedtosignthefinaladoptionpapers.

Sheonlyrelentedafewmonthslater

whenmyparentspromisedthatIwouldsomedaygotocollege.

And17yearslaterIdidgotocollege.

ButInaivelychoseacollegethatwasalmostasexpensiveasStanford,

andallofmyworking-classparents’savingswerebeingspentonmycollegetuition.

Aftersixmonths,Icouldn’tseethevalueinit.

IhadnoideawhatIwantedtodowithmylife

andnoideahowcollegewasgoingtohelpmefigureitout.

AndhereIwasspendingallofthemoneymyparentshadsavedtheirentirelife.

SoIdecidedtodropout

andtrustthatitwouldallworkoutOK.

Itwasprettyscaryatthetime,

butlookingbackitwasoneofthebestdecisionsIevermade.

TheminuteIdroppedout,

Icouldstoptakingtherequiredclassesthatdidn’tinterestme

andbegindroppinginontheonesthatlookedinteresting.

Itwasn’tallromantic.

Ididn’thaveadormroom,soIsleptonthefloorinfriends’rooms,

Ireturnedcokebottlesforthe5¢depositstobuyfoodwith,

andIwouldwalkthe7milesacrosstowneverySundaynight

togetonegoodmealaweekattheHareKrishnatemple.Ilovedit.

AndmuchofwhatIstumbledintobyfollowingmycuriosityandintuition

turnedouttobepricelesslateron.

Letmegiveyouoneexample:

ReedCollegeatthattimeofferedperhapsthebestcalligraphyinstructioninthecountry.

Throughoutthecampuseveryposter,everylabeloneverydrawer,wasbeautifullyhandcalligraphed.

BecauseIhaddroppedoutanddidn’thavetotakethenormalclasses,

Idecidedtotakeacalligraphyclasstolearnhowtodothis.

Ilearned

aboutserifandsanseriftypefaces,

aboutvaryingtheamountofspacebetweendifferentlettercombinations,

aboutwhatmakesgreattypographygreat.

Itwasbeautiful,historical,artisticallysubtleinawaythatsciencecan’tcapture,

andIfounditfascinating.

Noneofthishadevenahopeofanypracticalapplicationinmylife.

Buttenyearslater,whenweweredesigningthefirstMacintoshcomputer,

itallcamebacktome.

AndwedesigneditallintotheMac.

Itwasthefirstcomputerwithbeautifultypography.

IfIhadneverdroppedinonthatsinglecourseincollege,

theMacwouldhaveneverhadmultipletypefacesorproportionallyspacedfonts.

AndsinceWindowsjustcopiedtheMac,

it’slikelythatnopersonalcomputerwouldhavethem.

IfIhadneverdroppedout,Iwouldhaveneverdroppedinonthiscalligraphyclass,

andpersonalcomputersmightnothavethewonderfultypographythattheydo.

OfcourseitwasimpossibletoconnectthedotslookingforwardwhenIwasincollege.

Butitwasvery,veryclearlookingbackwardstenyearslater.

Again,youcan’tconnectthedotslookingforward;

youcanonlyconnectthemlookingbackwards.

Soyouhavetotrust

thatthedotswillsomehowconnectinyourfuture.

Youhavetotrustinsomething—yourgut,destiny,life,karma,whatever.

Thisapproachhasneverletmedown,

andithasmadeallthedifferenceinmylife.

*

Mysecondstoryisaboutloveandloss.

Iwaslucky—IfoundwhatIlovedtodoearlyinlife.

WozandIstartedAppleinmyparentsgaragewhenIwas20.

Weworkedhard,andin10yearsApplehadgrownfromjustthetwoofusinagarage

intoa$2billioncompanywithover4000employees.

Wehadjustreleasedourfinestcreation—theMacintosh—ayearearlier,

andIhadjustturned30.

AndthenIgotfired.

Howcanyougetfiredfromacompanyyoustarted?

Well,asApplegrew

wehiredsomeonewhoIthoughtwasverytalentedtorunthecompanywithme,

andforthefirstyearorsothingswentwell.

Butthenourvisionsofthefuturebegantodiverge

andeventuallywehadafallingout.

Whenwedid,ourBoardofDirectorssidedwithhim.

Soat30Iwasout.

Andverypubliclyout.

Whathadbeenthefocusofmyentireadultlifewasgone,anditwasdevastating.

Ireallydidn’tknowwhattodoforafewmonths.

IfeltthatIhadletthepreviousgenerationofentrepreneursdown

-thatIhaddroppedthebatonasitwasbeingpassedtome.

ImetwithDavidPackardandBobNoyce

andtriedtoapologizeforscrewingupsobadly.

Iwasaverypublicfailure,

andIeventhoughtaboutrunningawayfromthevalley.

Butsomethingslowlybegantodawnonme—IstilllovedwhatIdid.

TheturnofeventsatApplehadnotchangedthatonebit.

Ihadbeenrejected,butIwasstillinlove.

AndsoIdecidedtostartover.

Ididn’tseeitthen,

butitturnedoutthatgettingfiredfromApplewasthebestthingthatcouldhaveeverhappenedtome.

Theheavinessofbeingsuccessful

wasreplacedbythelightnessofbeingabeginneragain,lesssureabouteverything.

Itfreedmetoenteroneofthemostcreativeperiodsofmylife.

Duringthenextfiveyears,

IstartedacompanynamedNeXT,anothercompanynamedPixar,

andfellinlovewithanamazingwomanwhowouldbecomemywife.

Pixarwentontocreatetheworldsfirstcomputeranimatedfeaturefilm,ToyStory,

andisnowthemostsuccessfulanimationstudiointheworld.

Inaremarkableturnofevents,

AppleboughtNeXT,IreturnedtoApple,

andthetechnologywedevelopedatNeXTisattheheartofApple’scurrentrenaissance.

AndLaureneandIhaveawonderfulfamilytogether.

I’mprettysurenoneofthiswouldhavehappenedifIhadn’tbeenfiredfromApple.

Itwasawfultastingmedicine,butIguessthepatientneededit.

Sometimeslifehitsyouintheheadwithabrick.

Don’tlosefaith.

I’mconvincedthattheonlythingthatkeptmegoingwasthatIlovedwhatIdid.

You’vegottofindwhatyoulove.

Andthatisastrueforyourworkasitisforyourlovers.

Yourworkisgoingtofillalargepartofyourlife,

andtheonlywaytobetrulysatisfiedistodowhatyoubelieveisgreatwork.

Andtheonlywaytodogreatworkistolovewhatyoudo.

Ifyouhaven’tfoundityet,keeplooking.Don’tsettle.

Aswithallmattersoftheheart,you’llknowwhenyoufindit.

And,likeanygreatrelationship,itjustgetsbetterandbetterastheyearsrollon.

Sokeeplookinguntilyoufindit.Don’tsettle.

*

Mythirdstoryisaboutdeath.

WhenIwas17,Ireadaquotethatwentsomethinglike:

"Ifyouliveeachdayasifitwasyourlast,

somedayyou’llmostcertainlyberight."

Itmadeanimpressiononme,

andsincethen,forthepast33years,

Ihavelookedinthemirroreverymorningandaskedmyself:

"Iftodaywerethelastdayofmylife,

wouldIwanttodowhatIamabouttodotoday?"

Andwhenevertheanswerhasbeen"No"fortoomanydaysinarow,

IknowIneedtochangesomething.

RememberingthatI’llbedeadsoon

isthemostimportanttoolI’veeverencounteredtohelpmemakethebigchoicesinlife.

Becausealmosteverything—allexternalexpectations,allpride,allfearofembarrassmentorfailure

-thesethingsjustfallawayinthefaceofdeath,leavingonlywhatistrulyimportant.

Rememberingthatyouaregoingtodie

isthebestwayIknowtoavoidthetrapofthinkingyouhavesomethingtolose.

Youarealreadynaked.

Thereisnoreasonnottofollowyourheart.

AboutayearagoIwasdiagnosedwithcancer.

Ihadascanat7:30inthemorning,anditclearlyshowedatumoronmypancreas.

Ididn’tevenknowwhatapancreaswas.

Thedoctorstoldmethiswasalmostcertainlyatypeofcancer

thatisincurable,andthatIshouldexpecttolivenolongerthanthreetosixmonths.

Mydoctoradvisedmetogohomeandgetmyaffairsinorder,

whichisdoctor’scodeforpreparetodie.

Itmeanstotry

totellyourkidseverythingyouthoughtyou’dhavethenext10yearstotelltheminjustafewmonths.

Itmeanstomakesureeverythingisbuttonedup

sothatitwillbeaseasyaspossibleforyourfamily.

Itmeanstosayyourgoodbyes.

Ilivedwiththatdiagnosisallday.

LaterthateveningIhadabiopsy,

wheretheystuckanendoscopedownmythroat,throughmystomachandintomyintestines,

putaneedleintomypancreas

andgotafewcellsfromthetumor.

Iwassedated,butmywife,whowasthere,toldme

thatwhentheyviewedthecellsunderamicroscopethedoctorsstartedcrying

becauseitturnedouttobeaveryrareformofpancreaticcancerthatiscurablewithsurgery.

IhadthesurgeryandI’mfinenow.

ThiswastheclosestI’vebeentofacingdeath,

andIhopeit’stheclosestIgetforafewmoredecades.

Havinglivedthroughit,

Icannowsaythistoyouwithabitmorecertaintythanwhendeathwasauseful

butpurelyintellectualconcept:Noonewantstodie.

Evenpeoplewhowanttogotoheavendon’twanttodietogetthere.

Andyetdeathisthedestinationweallshare.

Noonehaseverescapedit.

Andthatisasitshouldbe,becauseDeathisverylikelythesinglebestinventionofLife.

ItisLife’schangeagent.

Itclearsouttheoldtomakewayforthenew.

Rightnowthenewisyou,

butsomedaynottoolongfromnow,youwillgraduallybecometheoldandbeclearedaway.

Sorrytobesodramatic,butitisquitetrue.

Yourtimeislimited,sodon’twasteitlivingsomeoneelse’slife.

Don’tbetrappedbydogma—whichislivingwiththeresultsofotherpeople’sthinking.

Don’tletthenoiseofothers’opinionsdrownoutyourowninnervoice.

Andmostimportant,havethecouragetofollowyourheartandintuition.

Theysomehowalreadyknowwhatyoutrulywanttobecome.

Everythingelseissecondary.

WhenIwasyoung,

therewasanamazingpublicationcalledTheWholeEarthCatalog,

whichwasoneofthebiblesofmygeneration.

ItwascreatedbyafellownamedStewartBrandnotfarfromhereinMenloPark,

andhebroughtittolifewithhispoetictouch.

Thiswasinthelate1960’s,

beforepersonalcomputersanddesktoppublishing,

soitwasallmadewithtypewriters,scissors,andpolaroidcameras.

ItwassortoflikeGoogleinpaperbackform,35yearsbeforeGooglecamealong:

itwasidealistic,andoverflowingwithneattoolsandgreatnotions.

StewartandhisteamputoutseveralissuesofTheWholeEarthCatalog,

andthenwhenithadrunitscourse,theyputoutafinalissue.

Itwasthemid-1970s,andIwasyourage.

Onthebackcoveroftheirfinalissue

wasaphotographofanearlymorningcountryroad,

thekindyoumightfindyourselfhitchhikingonifyouweresoadventurous.

Beneathitwerethewords:"StayHungry.StayFoolish."

Itwastheirfarewellmessageastheysignedoff.

StayHungry.StayFoolish.

AndIhavealwayswishedthatformyself.

Andnow,asyougraduatetobeginanew,Iwishthatforyou.

StayHungry.StayFoolish.

Thankyouallverymuch.

*

(조선WapleTimes기사나도마누라가있었으면좋겠다,김윤덕기자)

PM7:00

"벌써가?"

부장의눈화살을등짝에다발로맞으며사무실을나선다.찬바람에몸이으슬으슬하다.버스는왜이리더디오는지.지금쯤새싹반선생님눈꼬리는V자가되었을것이다.아이가어린이집신발장앞에쪼그리고앉아있다가두팔을벌린다."엄마아~."

아이손을잡고마트로간다.큰애가학원서돌아올시간에맞춰저녁밥을지어야한다.현관문을따고들어서기무섭게전화벨이울린다."집에왔냐?저녁밥은지었냐?애비반찬은만들었냐?"며느리는회사에서고스톱치다오는줄아시는시어머니시다.콩나물을삶고,계란을부친다.돼지목살에신김치숭숭썰어찌개를끓인다.신발을벗기도전에배고파죽겠다고펄펄뛰는아이앞에밥상을번개처럼차려낸다.입짧은둘째의꽁무니를쫓아다니며밥을떠먹인다.아이들이남긴반찬을긁어모아밥위에얹는다.입안이모래를씹은듯까끌까끌하다.아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면.고슬고슬지은밥에따끈한된장국끓여주며"오늘고생했지?많이먹어"하고등두드려주는마누라가있었으면정말좋겠다.

PM10:00

아이들씻기고이부자리펼때까지도,대통령보다바쁜낭군님은깜깜소식이다.둘째를재우고큰아이방으로간다.게임을하다가화들짝놀란녀석이배시시웃는다.숙제다했어?준비물은챙겨놨어?애매모호한표정을짓는녀석의책가방을점검한다.안쪽주머니에서수상한물건이만져진다.꼬깃꼬깃접힌종이뭉치의정체는수학단원평가시험지다.붉은작대기가하나,둘,셋,넷,다섯,여섯….학기초담임의충고가악몽처럼되살아난다."초등학교때밀리면영영못따라가는거아시죠?"

아이를책상앞에앉힌다.낼모레중학생인녀석의곱셈·나눗셈이불안하기짝이없다."설마이것도못푼거야?"녀석이입을삐죽거린다."맞벌이아들이이정도면잘한거야,엄마."등짝을냅다후려친다.함께문제를푼다.엄마는쩔쩔매고아이는하품을한다.편도선이부었는지목이따끔거린다.아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면."애들공부는내게맡기고당신은회사일만열심히해"하고어깨주물러주는신사임당같은마누라가있었으면좋겠다.

AM2:00

띵동!초인종소리에선잠을깬다.열쇠를못찾을만큼만취하고도집찾아오는실력은노벨상감이다.이기지도못할술을왜그렇게마셔?일찍들어와서애수학좀봐주면안돼?누군마시고싶어마시냐.남자가술빼고출세를어떻게하냐.회식도근무의연장인거몰라?야근수당도안나오는회식이어째서근무의연장인지,회식만잡히면그대눈은어찌그리반짝이는지,술독에빠져사는사람치고출세한사람본적이없거늘.정작그대의마누라는부장입에서회식의’ㅎ’자라도나올까봐가슴을졸이고,회식자리에서도시계만쳐다보다가"그럴거면애나키우지,뭐하러회사엘다녀?"소릴듣고다닌다는걸이남자는알까.

꿀물을탄다.소파에대(大)자로뻗은남편의양말을벗겨낸다.전골국물빨갛게튄와이셔츠앞자락을보며옥시크린이다떨어졌음을상기한다.아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면,회식하고돌아오는날이면집앞에서기다리다가,"모처럼스트레스좀풀었어?"하고웃어주며술국끓여주는마누라가있었으면좋겠다.

AM6:00

알람이쩌렁쩌렁울린다.오한에천근만근가라앉는몸을일으켜부엌으로나간다.물에불린황태를들기름에달달볶아북어국을끓인다.속앓이한번오지게해봐야술을입에도안댈것을,미우나고우나가장(家長)이니,주여,내마음에사랑이강물처럼흐르게하소서.깨작깨작밥알을굴리던남편이느닷없이골프타령이다."골프를배워야겠어.사장님골프시중들다고속승진한사람이수두룩하대.""골프톡(talk)은가고엘리베이터톡이대세라던데?""무식한소리좀하지마."큰애학교보내고,둘째는어린이집에들여보내고나니벌써8시다.달리는버스안에서여기저기전화를돌린다."중고골프채있으면좀빌려줄수있어?나도우리남편출세좀시켜보려고,흐흐…."민망함때문인지,몸살때문인지등짝에식은땀이흐른다.

아,내게도’마누라’가있었으면."애들은내가볼테니토요일하루라도혼자만의시간을가져"하고집에서내쫓아주는마누라가있다면정말좋겠다.열가지일은자기가하고,난한가지일만할수있게팍팍밀어주는마누라가있다면,나는골프같은거안치고도진작에상무님되었을것이다.전무님되었을것이다.